I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Im part way to drunk.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
