Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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