dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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