I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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