During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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