i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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