I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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