youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He passed out mid-signature
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
