seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
