sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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