Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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