I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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