I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
