There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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