My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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