I want to have your abortion
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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