those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
