i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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