We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
