Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
