A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
