I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
