I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
