also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
