I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
