I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
