my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
