Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
