I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
