my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
