I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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