I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
