babies were throwing up all over the place
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
