just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
