Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
