I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
