we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
