I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
