i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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