I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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