used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
