:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
