OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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