I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
