Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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