remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
