i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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