Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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