So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
