If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
