Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
